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As my heart cries

I am finally getting to the point where I can put words to what I'm feeling, how I've responded and am continuing to respond to the horror that befell 300 of my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters this past Sunday morning.

Part of me still doesn't have the words, but I have to get it out. I have to pour it out on this virtual page, because there are moments when it threatens to crash over me and drown me in sorrow.

This has shaken me.

I fell madly in love with, and married, a man. Because of this, I get to be protected by my heterosexual relationship to 99.99% of the world. As my friends who love me, and quite a few family members know though, if orientation is a spectrum, then I am somewhere in the middle.

Part of me processing this horror, has been stepping back and just trying to support my dear friends and loved ones who don't fall in the middle...I feel like every. damn. day. they are fighting for their loves. For their rights. Sometimes for their lives. They have fought so hard. My anxiety over coming out at 17 as not being being straight-ish or bi-ish or whythefuckdoIhavetolabelmyself, is nothing, nothing compared to what they have been through.

And Orlando...Orlando has broken my heart. I am aching over this and for them and for 49 people I never met but who were ripped out of the world TOO SOON by a bigoted asshole with an assault rifle with hate in his heart. I am angry through my heartache, crying outside and raging inside, and it has been so hard to put into words what that feels like.

First and foremost, Orlando was a hate crime. I don't care what religion that piece of shit was, it was a hate crime first. He targeted a gay nightclub BECAUSE of the "gay" part, not the nightclub part. To sweep that part aside, push it under the rug, is WRONG. Intolerance and hatred is the first part of this problem. Guns are the second. And Islam? I think Islam was his scapegoat, because everything I have seen of this man doesn't show him to have been particularly faithful.

When it comes to acceptance of LGBTQ, I thought we were making progress. The right to marry has been affirmed for all people, and my feeds are filled with people celebrating pride, either for themselves or as allies.

But then the same politicians who freaked the hell out over transwomen in bathrooms and gay marriage, are throwing out their hypocritical "love and prayers for the victims and their families" me the bullshit. I don't want to hear it. Thank you for the reminder though, that we still have a long way to go, because of people like you. Why...why is there so much hate in the world? And how I can change it? How can I fix it? Are we doomed as a species because we can't mind our own damn business and just let people love each other and live their lives?

The other part of this, the part that doesn't hurt, but instead pisses me off thoroughly, is this.

When will America get its head out of its collective ass and say enough is enough? I thought Aurora CO followed by the horror of 20 schoolchildren and 6 of their teachers at Sandy Hook would do it. It didn't. We have had wave after wave after wave of gun violence in this country, and nothing has changed. And now we have 49, 49 more innocent lives to add to the total. No wonder the rest of the civilized world thinks we are crazy.

I am hurting. People I love are hurting and I am angry. I am desperately clinging to hope right now, because giving up in not an option, but it feels like an uphill battle with no relief in sight.

I don't know how to end this post. So in solidarity and love and good to each other. Treat everyone you meet with kindness. Be the change.


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