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Some days you just can't

And that is me today.

I found out this afternoon that someone who was once a very good friend, roommate, lovely soul, passed away on Wednesday.

It has been 5 years since I talked to her last. I don't know what happened that made her go down the path that led to her death, but I wish she had asked for help.

What I do know...I do know she was a mother. A mother who loved her children. A caring person and friend, who always had your back if you needed her. She was strong...so strong in the face of shit circumstances. She was funny, totally goofy and you could never forget her voice. Even if you were far away from her, you knew that she always counted you as a friend. She never hesitated to reach out, even if it was just through the internet.

When I found out, on Facebook of course, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

Now it's sinking in, and I'm sad and the anger is starting to set in. I expected this, having gone through this before 4 years ago. This one hurts more though, because I was much closer at one point in time with this friend than I ever was to the one we buried 4 years ago.

I'm doing my best to keep busy, but she's weighing on mind...she will continue to occupy that space for a few weeks, at least. I know that it will ease up, I will feel better, but she will haunt me forever now...just like Mike and Beth do.

I haven't cried yet, but my chest hurts. The tears will come in time, probably later tonight after I've put my son to bed (who is the same age as her boy; my heart breaks), I will listen to the songs that resonate and I will cry, finally.

Natalie, my darling soul and friend, I pray that you have found some peace.

                                 We were so young...and you were still so young.

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