Flower Child Muses

I don't even know how to start writing today. I just know I need to write. Where to begin? I haven't posted since the beginning of September. And so much has changed. I guess we can start with the Big One. November 8th, 2016. I wasn't thrilled with my choice for the next leader of the free world, but I had accepted it. Made my peace. Knew that we would keep moving forward, and it would be so much better than going 50 steps back. As my husband and I watched the results roll in, anticipation turned to disbelief, and dread. I kept refreshing the browser pages, my phone, anything to tell me that this wasn't actually happening, that it couldn't actually be real. I didn't go to sleep until 3 am. I woke up at 6:30, bleary eyed, and in shock, and went to work. My mom called me to ask how I was. I burst into tears as I told her I was terrified. As the transition began, we settled in to a "new normal"...daily there were things that made me angry,

Even though we still have a few weeks left...the kiddos are all back in school, and I can feel the summer winding down around me. My heart is so full, despite the pain of the world around me. Or maybe its because of all the anger in the world that I am flooding myself with positivity and light and love. I can't bear to wallow. It's been 8 weeks since I blogged, and in all honesty it's because we've just been so damn busy. 4th of July, concerts, bbqs, births of babies, and just general cherishing of each other. I started a new job a little over a month ago. And while of course I still want to be a hippie and work for myself from my home, the stress relief has been immense. My previous job might have been making me sick with stress. I was having major GI problems, and it got to the point where my fibro was flaring and I felt horrible 95% of the time. We are still trying to dig out the root cause of the tummy troubles (basically we are down to either GERD or Celiac&#

It's been miserably hot here in the mid-west the last two weeks. Evidently we are trapped in a heat dome, and therefore have had consistent highs in the 90s...which for Kansas City in June, is not typical. It feels like it's August already. This makes me nervous for when *actual* August arrives. I vaguely recall August of 2012, when the drought started and we were living in Wichita. I'm pretty sure we had something crazy like 15 days in a row where the temp got over 100. It. Was. Miserable. For now, I will just keep being thankful for air conditioning. Little man has been playing t-ball for about 4 weeks now, and he had his second game a few days ago. I got a new camera (a Canon EOS Rebel SL1) and I've been taking it out for spins, playing with settings and getting used to the hundreds of things I can do with it. I love that I get shots like this. Yes, he has his glove on his head...he's 7. Right out of the box, it's amazing. And I'm pretty sure

I am finally getting to the point where I can put words to what I'm feeling, how I've responded and am continuing to respond to the horror that befell 300 of my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters this past Sunday morning. Part of me still doesn't have the words, but I have to get it out. I have to pour it out on this virtual page, because there are moments when it threatens to crash over me and drown me in sorrow. This has shaken me. I fell madly in love with, and married, a man. Because of this, I get to be protected by my heterosexual relationship to 99.99% of the world. As my friends who love me, and quite a few family members know though, if orientation is a spectrum, then I am somewhere in the middle. Part of me processing this horror, has been stepping back and just trying to support my dear friends and loved ones who don't fall in the middle...I feel like every. damn. day. they are fighting for their loves. For their rights. Sometimes for their lives. They have

We went to see Florence + the Machine last night for Buzz Under the Stars Night 1. It was blessed. Flo took me to church and shook my soul up, and soothed my weary heart with her voice. It's my second time seeing her in concert, and I think each time is always going to be like a religious experience. It's magic when an artist moves you to tears over and over. Yesterday was full of excitement and love and peace. Today (tonight really), my funk has started to rear its ugly head again. I feel...listless and restless and ready to explode out of my skin. I've been perusing my favorite website, Rebelle Society , reading beautiful essays and poetry that resonate deeply, reflecting my worries and fears and anguish back to me and forcing me to look. Forcing me to accept that I'm hurting and scared when I want to just keep pretending that I'm all good. Accepting my slump, I feel, is the first step towards pulling out of it. The cycles of depression I go through

That is my life at the moment. We have been so busy- and it's not going to stop for awhile, at least another week. I told Jon today that there's a very large part of me that wants to say "Screw it" and splurge on a vacation for us this summer. My batteries need recharging. And for me, that means we get the fuck outta dodge and either go breathe in some mountain air or bury our toes in the sand at the Gulf. That means we go make memories as a family away from the every day bullshit. Either this... Or this...doesn't really matter to me, both are beautiful. I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk right now...not satisfied with work, feeling trapped and stuck. I can't be UN-stuck for awhile, so I'm maintaining and every day I get just a little more frustrated and anxious and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I also told Jon today that I can see the desire to buy an RV and just travel around the country, wandering. Of course that